Turn Off Things!

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When we’re enamored with someone, we put them on a pedestal and they can seem to do no wrong. But reality has a way of biting hard just to make sure we’re brought back to the ground. Reality makes sure to remind us that our crushes are human too, who stink, fart, burp, and whatever human bodily function there is.

The Top Things About Your Crush That Turn You Off

1.    Once I heard him do the “waktu” (the sound you make when you spit out phlegm), and actually swallowed his phlegm back. That was it for me.

2.    I had a crush on a friend before, and when he removed his shoes, the odor was unexplainable – Grabe! Makapunit ilong!

3.    I had a crush in high school. He learned about it at pinagpustahan nila ng barkada niya na mapapasagot niya ko agad.

4.    I had a big crush w/ this waitress. Then after few text exchanges, we went out and ended up going 2 my place and…man…she moaned like a man!

5.    I had a crush on this super guwapo & hearthrob basketball player back in college, but he turned me off when he said, “Tara, Let’s play SCRAMBLE”, pointing to the Scrabble game board.

6.   There was this 19-year old ‘Japayuki’ crush of mine. One lunchtime, she arrived late and there was no clean plate for her, and to my surprise, she grabbed the ‘kaldero’ cover then served herself, sat and ate na nakataas pa ang isang paa!

7.   Back in college, my crush had a cute smile until she sang Barry Manilow’s, “Can’t Smile Without you, and her false teeth fell off!

8.   My crush has beauty and brains, a Chinese mestiza. Kaya lang her butt is hungry like a wolf, laging kinakain ng puwet niya yung panty niya.

9.   When I invited my crush to watch “Finding Nemo”, I noticed that she’s kinda SLOW, based on her questions like: “What’s the name of the blue fish?” and “Why did Nemo run away?” Paano pa kaya kung “The Matrix” yung pinanood namin? Baka bumula na bibig nun!

10.   When my crush visited my house, he said “Ayoko ng amoy nitong goosi.” I turned around and got turned off when I saw him holding my Gucci perfume.

11.   My crush in a karinderia asked me one time, “Paano luto ng egg mo, cramble?” And I said, “Lagyan mo naman ng ‘S’ yung cramble.” Then he goes, “Ay nga pala, ‘crambles’!” I laughed and never went back there again.

12.   My super crush in college is tall, dark and extremely handsome. But one time, during an out of town trip with my friends, I later found out that when he got drunk that night, he had sex with my gay best friend.

13.   My crush was very sexy and flawless. Since madalas ang double shift sa opisina, minsan pag kausap ko, ang hininga niya amoy lumang baul or bagong tasang Mongol pencil!

14.   He’s my ultimate crush and so I sometimes stalk him. To my shock, I once caught him in the CR, curling his lashes! Yikes.

15.   After 5 months of dating a rich, handsome guy, we went to a hotel. But when we kissed – ang alat!!! It made we walk out!

16.   My college crush was a head turner. People turn their heads kasi ang bantot niya.

17.   My all time crush is cute, mabait and very funny. But later I found out that he’s a “scratch and sniff” type of guy. He scratches his butt then sniffs his fingers. Ewww. He’s my husband now.

18.   His personality is a perfect match to mine. But he always has sex on his mind. Maliit naman ang bird…

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